32, Utah
My biggest accomplishment is my ability to survive. I come
from an abusive family where education was not a high priority. We we're poor,
life was hard, and I dropped out of high school my junior year. I took a class
and got me GED when I was 18 then spent the next 10 years working 2-3 jobs
while going to college. I put myself through nursing school and am now an ICU
nurse at a large hospital. It certainly would have been easier if I knew my
diagnosis back then, but I have proved to myself that I can do hard things.
I want those who are not autistic to know:
*Autism isn't this scary horrible thing. It's beautiful,
different, awkward, silly, logical, emotional, the list goes on. Autism
challenges you as a parent to learn more, be resourceful, and do better. Autism
challenges you as an individual in so many ways I don't know I can adequately
explain it. Kids with autism don't want to give you (the parent) a hard time,
they are having a hard time. The world does not accept differences well, and
autism is full of amazing differences.
To those who are also autistic I want you to know
*You are beautiful. You are strong. You are loved. You are
loveable. You are full of brilliance. You can do hard things. You are you, and
that is perfec
Why I wasn’t diagnosed as a child: My mom was a single mom
dealing with an abusive ex-husband and doing her best to survive and shield us
from as much abuse as possible. Once my father finally left the picture for
good, she had to deal with 4 kids who were abused, while trying to keep food on
the table. When I was a kid she would help me label my emotions. My teachers
always said I had many friends (which was not actually true). As a teenager I
was labeled emotional, hormonal, aggressive, empathetic, uncaring, aloof,
depressed, bipolar, ADHD, the list goes on. My siblings and my mother accused
me of being bitchy on a daily basis. I wasn't diagnosed because I'm smart and
had an abusive upbringing. Everything was blamed on me being too emotional or
the abuse I was subjected too by the hands of my father.
What made me realize I am Autistic:
*When my oldest daughter (M) was 2.5 years old, I noticed
she was struggling with loud and unexpected sounds. She had a complete meltdown
in dance class. M also had some separation anxiety, but she's 2, some kids are
more shy than others right? We had a new baby at home, maybe that was
increasing her anxiety levels. The next year things continued to get worse. M
wouldn't even acknowledge her baby sister, she would scream if the baby got near
her. M would scream if someone touched her without it being her idea. And she
began playing in ways that didn't seem typical for her age. We had a birthday
party for baby sis and invited very close friends and family. M wouldn't leave
my side for 45 minutes. She was genuinely overwhelmed by people at our house.
She only finally left my side because I gave her invisibility glasses. And I
had to help her join the group of playing kids. She seemed confused about how
to play with them. At this point I started doing research. I love research,
it's my hobby. And I was starting to think autism. Then someone on a Facebook
group sent me a link to female specific autism traits. Going through the list,
everything applied to my daughter, then one of them was me.. then the next one
was me.. then he next one and the next.. I fit almost all the traits on that
list. So my research continued. I started taking online tests for autism and
every single one of them I scored high. At first i thought I was crazy. Then, I
felt validated. My life has been HARD! I struggle with keeping friends, and
picking up on social cues. I practice conversations and situations ahead of
time and try to imagine how everything will go. I plan everything to
excruciating detail, because it decreases my anxiety. I offend people, often,
and usually never know why. It is almost impossible for me to control my
emotions, especially if I am stressed, though I get better at it every day. And
I'm told the tone of my voice is often misleading. Its difficult for me to
express myself and explain what I mean to people. I struggle with personal
relationships because I need to have my alone time, and I feel like the older I
get, the more responsibilities I have and the more people rely on me, the more
I need recharge time. I thought about seeking out a diagnosis, then put it
aside because I was putting all my effort into fighting for my daughter's
diagnosis and getting therapies started. I see so much of myself in her, and I
don't want her to struggle like I have, even if I can just take some of the
struggle away. For now, my own diagnosis is on the back burner, mostly because
it won't change anything in my life except further self validation. But I think
it might be helpful to my daughter at some point to know that Mom has it too
and mom is doing ok.
Obstacles I face:
I think the barriers I face are those of my own. Not knowing
if they will believe me, because I am "successful" despite all my
struggles. I'm afraid my family and friends wouldn't believe me, although I did
tell my mother I thought I was Asperger's, and she agreed it made sense. A few
close friends also agreed that it makes sense. I'm nervous to be open about
this, because I don't know how people will respond. Most people don't fully
understand autism, so how would my coworkers and friends feel about working
with one?
No comments:
Post a Comment