30, I live in the UK, with my spouse, our two children, and
our dog š¶
I’m not able to do
paid work due to disabilities. I spend most of my time looking after my
children, my dog, my plants, and my house. I read a lot and I’m involved in
activism. I really want to be able to do paid work, but haven’t yet figured out
something I can do that works around my complicated health needs.
Unfortunately, I think that the work that I do at home isn’t valued very highly
in society.
Something people are often surprised to learn about me is
that I am polyamorous. This means that I can be in more than one loving
relationship at a time, with the enthusiastic consent of everyone involved. So
I am married and I also have a girlfriend.
I think my biggest accomplishment is in raising my children.
One is autistic and one is transgender, and as I’m also autistic and disabled,
we have our fair share of challenges as a family. They are both happy and
supported and I know they feel loved. I didn’t have a good family role model
growing up, so to break the cycle of emotional abuse feels like a very big
achievement.
The biggest change I want to see in the world is compassion.
This is something that I push for through my activism. I want to see a world
where inclusivity is normal and people show more compassion towards each other
and the environment. In terms of changes I want for myself, that’s a huge
question. Honestly, I am really just now coming to terms with seeing myself and
seeing my life through the lens of the autism that I never knew I had. So much
of my early life makes more sense now that I know that I am autistic. I think
I’m really just working on self acceptance.
Something that I wish neurotypical people understood about
autism, is that being autistic isn’t wrong or bad. I wish they understood that
their way of understanding the world isn’t the only way, or the right way, but
just one way, and that other ways of understanding the world are just as valid.
As with most things, I think that listening to autistic people instead of
speaking for us or assuming that you already know would make a huge difference.
To other people on the autistic spectrum: find other
autistic people. It makes a huge huge difference to be around people who think
and understand the world similarly to you. There is something very comforting
about building those connections and just being around people who see things in
a similar way.
I haven’t accessed any professional resources. The things
that have benefitted me most have been talking to other women and non- binary
folk on the spectrum, and reading books and blogs.
A funny story about my autism: For a while I felt that I
couldn’t be autistic because my eye contact was so good (I now realize that eye
contact is a different experience for every autistic person). Then one day when
I was talking to a friend and mentally congratulating myself on my amazing eye
contact, I realized that I was only looking at her face when she was looking
away from me, and as soon as she made eye contact with me, I would have to look
away. It was quite a surprise to me to realize that this didn’t count as good
eye contact on my part. To me, I was making eye contact with her face well, so
surely that must count!
I had to answer lots of questionnaires to pursue a diagnosis
for my son, and saw myself in a lot of the questions. I mentioned it to my
(autistic) girlfriend, who told me that she has always thought I was on the
spectrum and had been meaning to discuss it with me! We talked a lot, I started
reading up on it, and saw my childhood and adult selves reflected in so many of
the resources I found. Suddenly things made sense.
Here are some signs that led other people to suspect I might
be autistic: I take things literally, my eye contact is inconsistent, I often
speak quite formally, I have quite intense special interests, I have trouble
interpreting facial expressions, I have many sensory difficulties such as scratchy
labels, bright lights, loud noises. I stim when I’m anxious by flicking my
fingers, rocking or bouncing on my toes. I am quite a fussy eater and tend to
go for the same thing every time. I have trouble changing the way I do
something if I feel that it’s the right way. I have trouble understanding
social rules and conventions, and tend to interpret them in apparently unusual ways. I can ‘shut down’ when
overwhelmed. I have quite black and white thinking. I misunderstand people a
lot unless they are very clear, so I’ve learned to ask exactly what people
mean.
I wasn’t diagnosed as a child because My parents were
emotionally abusive and looking back, I learned to mask very early on. Every
difference was ridiculed, so I tried my best to hide it. I remember knowing I
was different from a really young age, and believed there was something wrong
with me. At school I was hyperlexic, very bright, and bullied, and teachers assumed
I was shy and left me alone.
Obstacles I have faced in my adult life center mostly around
my health, both physical and mental. Coping with these would’ve been impossible
without a good support system, good people in my life willing to listen, and
support me. Also books, and the Internet, because these things allowed me to
find new information, new perspectives, and shared experiences, all of which
make me feel less alone. And healthcare! In the UK we are lucky to have the NHS,
and I am not sure that I would be alive without it.
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