Tuesday, April 23, 2019

I am a 41 year old intensive care nurse. I can put in special long IV lines that stop just above your heart called PICC lines. I can do dialysis as well which is when a machine pulls your blood out and cleans it before putting it back due to lack of kidney function. I’m excellent at my job. It’s hard though. I was hand picked to do it. But that’s only half my story. I’m also a professional published tattoo model. I go by @lady_byrds_eyes on Instagram. I attend some of the best tattoo conventions. I was also picked to do this and I’m also very good at it. How? Because a mask is a mask is a mask. If I must look like I’m unaffected by the pain and suffering around me in the intensive care unit or look like I am outstandingly beautiful, it is the same. It’s all just an act and a disconnect from the anxiety I have inside. I think differently. Often confused with being selfish or arrogant when I am not. It’s like I’m a MAC and the rest are PCs. I think of others before myself which isn’t normal. It should be but we live in a very self centered world. I wish those who did not have autism would understand that it’s simply just a processing difference that I was born with and I wouldn’t change it. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve because if I did no one would understand it or use it to hurt me. I had therapy from age 12 on through high school. I was sent to a special school for kids like me. It helped because I was able to be in a smaller class size and learn what I was interested in at my pace. My pace out paces everyone else. I have ridden horses since I was a child. My mother called my Attila the Hun. It helped with my balance and coordination but I struggle learning new skills. I am both right and left handed. I felt relief when I was tested at 36. I had been tested as a child but girls were oppositional defiant not autistic. At 36 I was bipolar until I was tested. I was in fact autistic with my body stuck in fight or flight. Medication helped and heart surgery to reduce my heart rate. My life hasn’t been easy. I struggled in college and I’ve attended 8 of them. I had no guidance because my mother is on the spectrum. She has no answers to life. I struggle with things like grocery shopping and balancing my checkbook plus paying bills on time. I cannot read the meaning of men. They tell me lots of things like how we are meant to be together. But they often are just lying to me. I live life on my terms and I am a creative kind person. I think that can be lost at time

"I am a whole person in my own self. I am complete and I am valuable because I am different.

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