Wednesday, April 3, 2019
I knew I was autistic when I reached high school!? I couldn't interact or understand many many things! ie understanding a question?? If spoken in a clear way, it was eay to answer but from a book, no way could I decipher or find the question. I always needed someone to speak the question to me until I understood. I couldn't join in! I couldn't be part of a group. And found participation strange!! No one else questioned!? I was in care and too many adults around to really take notice.
I wasn't diagnosed as a child because of my mother's erratic behaviour!? She went of the rails! We moved every 6 months from one place to another. New schools, new people, new doctor's, neighbours etc. So no-one knew me!! I spent a lot of time not in school....taking care of my baby brother, cleaning the home etc, cooking and shopping! Even though I had the social work department around! They never approached me directly. Once I was in their offices. My social worker in charge of me was talking to me and asking questions. I just stared at his face....I seen he was true and professional. But I had had my mother in my head telling me not too trust 'anyone'. I remember going into a big room full of people around, very big tables that were pushed together!!? Very intimidating!! They kept asking questions but I couldn't hear them or understand because I was so focused on watching what was going on!! They repeatedly asked if I had anything I wanted to say!? My mother was giving me that look! But she wanted me to talk!! I didn't understand!!? I was 9 years at this time. My mother left the room and I was left with 2 men. I went crazy....screaming, hitting, kicking and scratching????? I had no idea what was going on!? But it felt bad!!
I was guided outside the building, with my baby brother. I seen a car across the road from me driving away!? I seen my mother in the back of the car! She looked at me and turned away! I knew I had done something wrong!!?? After that I was put into the car and another chapter of my life was to begin.
I have been diagnosed with bipolar! I was hospitalised after a breakdown and things were just becoming extreme!!?? Inside....after 2 weeks.....I was in a room full of doctor's, they asked questions and I answered with no thought! After the meeting, one of the workers (who knew me personally) sat me down and asked if I knew what had happened!? I said I knew, they gave me a name but no explanation of what it is.....her explanation was "if you picture the north pole and the south pole!? That's what bipolar is! We have been watching you, everyday!! We watch you being friendly and going to everyone. You would be articulate and life and soul of the place. Then we could not find me!? I would be behind a curtain and under the sheets. I wouldn't respond to anything or anyone. Except if something really bad came in front of me!!?? That's the only explanation I was given!! I didn't recieve much more information than that!!
have not been able to work for 20 years, now. I worked for the government! I had my own office. I could smoke there, listen to music and had long lunches. I was the bookkeeper and accountant. Numbers where easy for me. Before that the T.A. as a mechanic....I love cars!! After my breakdown!? I wasn't stable enough for employment. So university was my next step in growing. Travel and tourism degree and then philosophy.
in the territorial army T.A. you must know how to shoot!!? I couldn't for the life of me, hit a target!! The general came one day and seen how bad I was!? At the end of training he decided he wanted to help!! Ok Travis! I'm going to get you to hit a target even if it kills me! I just stared!! Sorry sir but I can't shoot!? Of course you can!!? No sir, I don't believe in killing!! So I know I won't be able to shoot a gun!! Everyone laughed! You do know you're in the army?? And it's the number one requirement of a soldier!? Is too shoot! "I know!" But I can't do it!! The general handed me his colt 45.....shoot!! I can't!! Shoot! I shot and missed!! Again! Step a foot closer, I missed! Step closer, I missed!! I was 5 steps away from the target and I still missed!!? He gave up! She'll never make it as a soldier!! I was upset but accepted this was not for me......anyway!? I became an ace shot!! After 8 months of training!? I was put beside someone who had hurt me and I forgot I couldn't shoot! And got top marks over 350 soldiers, that day! And I never looked back!
I want to change the world by educating them about the importance of a good positive mental health. It starts with the very young knowing the wrongs and rights of the world.....about self love, self respect, self care etc and what that entails!! Having more awareness of what is classed as abuse and the effects it has in later life!! Education, knowledge and sharing information is extemely important.
The obstacles have been continuous throughout life.......having faith and believing we can make things better, for everyone!! Is the main reason I keep moving forward. Ignorance kills! Knowledge gives life.