Wednesday, May 29, 2019
I'm 26, I live in Dundee in Scotland. But I have moved around a lot in my past. I work as a public cleaner in a hotel, and have a new job as kitchen staff in a cafe in a hotel. It's too much working two jobs, but I plan on working in the kitchen full time if things plan out okay. It's a lot to handle but it will help me get to where I want to be in life as I start college this year. Something someone might be surprised to know about me is that I got an A for my singing exam in high school when I was 16. And I was going to try to write my own songs but lacked the confidence.
My biggest accomplishment thus far is that I completed a ten week course called "Survive and Thrive", and have almost completed another six months of therapy. All in all I've worked for about a year on myself emotionally.. To recover from my abusive past. I've changed a lot, and because of that I am ready for college this year. I'm proud of me.. For doing that and continuing to do so.
I want to help kids and teens who have given up on themselves because nobody is there for them.. Help them live the life they love... I want to use my love of writing to help people. But.. I also want to be my truest self.. Without being afraid or hiding or mimicking.. I wish I could just be me.. Without fearing what people will think..or feel. I wish Neurotypicals knew that We, Autistic individuals, are not all the same. You can't label us like items in a shop.. Were like a rainbow.. We are part of the same rainbow but different shades and colours... Not everyone is a little bit autistic.. You either are or you are not.. You can't just.. Assume you understand because you read an article or worked with some people who have autism.... We don't choose to be the way we are.. It's not a choice or decision... Yes we can change but.. It's really hard to express what it can feel like to live with autism.... We are not a broken science project.. We don't need to be fixed.. We just need to be seen and listened to. Were different.. We need to be believed in and seen as different in a good way.. Not a bad! I am on one part of the spectrum.. Someone else Is on another.. I may be verbal and they may not be... Buy that doesn't mean you understand us both because I can explain it one way and they can't... Don't box us and see us as broken and bad. Just.. Accept us for who we are.. Maybe then it would be easier for us to accept and understand ourselves too. I wish that.. People wouldn't fear and judge what was different.. It's nobodies fault nobody is wrong... Were just what we are. You can't change it.
What I want to tell fellow autistic's is that you are amazing! Life is hard and communication/connection is sometimes awful and scary.. Feels impossible. Sometimes life feels impossible but your amazing and you can do anything!! You matter you are special and you are amazing! I was never tested or diagnosed as a child.. I struggled a lot because or that. Quite a lot. But I have an incredible therapist.. And learning I can express how I see it.. Feel it.. Sense it... Just.. Getting it out. Has helped me to survive.. And let others see me because I'm starting to see myself. I feel like I could understand myself more now.
It wasn't until I was older that people paid close enough attention to me to realize I wasn't behaving the way I can out of sheer choice. My partner and partners mom noticed quite soon and told me. Just my quirks.. Behaviours.. Reactions. They saw a lot of autism traits in me after first meeting me.
When I was first diagnosed I was angry and denial.. I didn't want to be autistic because it's labelled as such a bad thing.. I wanted it to be wrong.. But the more I listened and read the more I began to see.. For a while I felt cursed.. Like it meant it was true that nobody would ever understand me.. Ever. Now in therapy.. With a psychologist seeing many traits in me.. And on the waiting list to see where-about's I am on the spectrum... I feel more accepting of it... But still struggle at times. Today how I feel about my autism is, In a way I feel afraid.. Because I feel like having autism is seen in such a negative light.. And I don't know how people will view or judge me because of it. And I know certain things may always be a struggle for me. But I'm less angry about it like I used to be.
I've never made a true friend close by because people have never stuck around. Fighting invisible battles everyday that not many fully understand they just read the manual and assume they know.... Wanting to express what I feel and see But struggling so badly I end up saying the opposite. There have been many challenges... Never knowing how to respond.. In a way I feel like my own science experiment now.. Trying to understand myself.. So that maybe perhaps one day I can make sense of everything I feel and so on. In a way I think communication and connection has been something that I've always struggled with.. And what makes it hard is feeling.. Sensing... Thinking so deeply... Everything Is deep with me. I know my autism blesses me in some ways... But in many ways it's only gone to make me feel more alone even when I am surrounded by people. I'm working hard to heal. Learn.. Grow.. With my psychologist.. Self work... Following goals and dreams.. It's hard. But I've seen the changes in myself within the past year... I hope there is more to come in the future.
Something I wanna add.. Is that my diagnosis.. The starting of it through the psychologist At first made me angry because I wanted to believe that one day I'd feel normal and fit into society Now I'm..more prepared for whatever comes back from the screening... Wherever I am on the spectrum will be evidence that.. Despite this condition.. I still keep going and I still keep trying... Even if I don't fit in that should be enough