Wednesday, September 25, 2019
’m 40 years old by human quantification. I am proudly from Atlanna or ATL or Atlanta, Georgia. I am a Mom, an artist, and an empath. Music has always been my obsession; houseplants are my newest one and when I was young, it was dinosaurs, art & reading. I realized that I am Autie recently when I was searching on Agony Autie’s YouTube channel for videos on how to better support my son, who is 4.5 years old and Autistic. He was diagnosed when he was almost 2 or shortly thereafter. I watched her Live Chat video- ‘My Autistic Diagnosis’-on how she was diagnosed as an adult. Watching the first hour of it I cried the whole time because I had never in my life heard someone echo my experiences from my earliest memories into being a young adult. It made my life make total sense and I was scared and relieved at the same time. I knew that Autism was genetic at this point already, so, it wasn’t so hard to question if I was but when I heard her say “You don’t identify with something you’re not...you don’t identify with...something you’re not aligned with” it was validating and really drove it home for me. It made me feel less crazy. I had a lot of questions and have a great Autie friend who helped me realize and is patient with me. I still have imposter syndrome on the regs. I think I wasn’t diagnosed as a child b/c honestly my Mom was dealing with my Dads alcoholism and behavior and trying to raise me and support us. I also think I fell thru the cracks b/c I was/am a girl/woman & have learned how to “be” around different groups of friends & people. I knew I slipped thru the cracks now looking back. Also b/c I grew up in the 80s. Even though I’ve always been my own person & rebelled against society I would have to prepare mentally to get thru and over some anxiety before socializing. I always felt like an outsider looking in. I knew I was different from the beginning. The barriers I face with my diagnosis are the cost of testing & the skill of the person giving the test...I highly doubt my insurance pays for it. I just got a hold of some specialized doctors who test adults last week...I think also my history of all my other mental diagnoses will probably be either a distraction or an “asset” in diagnosis. I have had depression since I can remember, suicidal ideation, and only just realized at 38 that I’ve had anxiety as well. I have Trich & Derm, PTSD, and my psychiatrist has me worked up as OCD. Plus, I’m female. I am currently unemployed. I’ve been in healthcare as a surgical tech in the Operating Room of some major hospitals here in the South. You name the surgery, I’ve seen it and helped. From birthing babies to organ donation. I was in healthcare for the last 23 years aside from the 2.5 years I spent as a stay-at-home Mom to my twins & my oldest son. Its been a blessing being jobless, in a way, b/c I have had time to heal from my divorce/life and really think about what I want to do that will make me happy that will also pay the bills. Something that I think people will be surprised to know about me is that I’m self-diagnosed Autie. I have only told my psych/therapist and a few (3) people & my Mom that I think I am. I feel I’m pretty much you get what you get from me once I let you in. I don’t have any special tricks. I hate water. I cant dive, ski or rollerblade. Nope. My biggest fear is the ocean and huge waves of water. The only thing is that I can “feel & see” at the same time people’s feelings & thoughts even before they say it. Its usually a transparent orb of grey in their abdomen section. How do I want to change the world? If I change myself I can help change the world. Its an inside job. If it is to be, it must begin with me. The only “saying” I can get right. I’m terrible with those and always screw them up. They make no sense. If I am part of this world, I can change it by changing myself and doing my part. I get very frustrated when people don’t do right-lately it’s how fast people drive and there’s no regard for life on the road from drivers. So I would make everyone slow down and notice that there’s a billion people around them. Life is beautiful. It must be noticed. The obstacles I have faced in life: seem like many. I feel like I’m an alumni and student at the same time at the School of Hard Knocks. My whole life has been an obstacle. Peers always told me I was weird and now I just feel even more so...like an alien on Earth. It feels like I am terminally unique. I come from an alcoholic/codependent/divorced family.When I got married it went downhill quick. I realized toward the middle that he was an alcoholic. I ended up leaving one night out of the blue b/c I was suicidal and just at rock bottom. He never asked me if I needed help. Its ok now with me b/c he was in no shape to help me anyways now that I look back. I dont even know that person I was then anymore. I have worked hard to get where I am at. I have actually been happy (???) the past couple months..
I don’t trust that feeling. I joined Al Anon, a support group for families/friends of alcoholics. It has changed my life and how I interact with people. I go to therapy regularly. I take my meds. I love my kids. That’s what I do know. Life will be ok. I guess I’ll add one more thing to digest. Being Autistic. Its ok with me. It has answered a lot of questions for me