Tuesday, October 15, 2019

25, Southern Tier New York. Employment is debt collection, it’s a means to get by and I’m making the best of it. I talk on the phone, which I am better at than talking in person. My dream job is being a Doctor if Osteopathic Medicine. The knowledge I have gained on healing the body is the biggest achievement I have accomplished thus far. I want to bring about acute awareness and thoroughness when it comes to healing people. I wish more people who are not autistic understood sensory problems and stimming. I haven’t sought a diagnosis. Unfortunately I went unseen. I knew I was different and unique but I did a very good job blending in even though it was torturous to my mental wellbeing. A few teachers suspected ADHD, but it never got seriously addressed, my “issues” got put on the back-burner because my brother’s were more “in their face”. My ability (and the expectation) to blend in was also another reason I was unseen.

What originally made me think that I might be autistic? First, I am fascinated with psychology and healing the body (including the mind), so I have done thorough research on many, many conditions: autism being one. A lot of things started piecing together when I was reading about little girls and women with autism. I have faced many and mostly by myself with no guidance. Most recently I went to an interview, and the score I received on the written portion of the hiring process was very high, but I didn’t get hired because when they asked me questions face to face I couldn’t think or respond barely and I was staring out the window. (Lesson learned, if I interview now I prepare what I am going to say beforehand and completely memorize the dialogue.) I cannot reasonably function when put on the spot, it’s like my brain shuts off. So another obstacle I have thought of, one that is a huge factor in my life, is being overwhelmed with my children constantly touching/talking etc when I am trying to complete a task (dishes, phone call, etc) I have to grit my teeth to prevent myself from lashing out (and sometimes I don’t do a great job of holding back my irritation) they don’t mean to overwhelm me, and I don’t mean to lash out and I always feel guilty if I do (I’m working on EXPLAINING rather than EXPRESSING) When I am playing with them or intending on talking with or being touched it is totally fine, but it seems in every other instance I am overwhelmed with my inability to focus in peace on a task and constantly being interrupted really triggers me. Another thing is with my significant other (who has PTSD from his childhood) triggers me to becomes emotionally overwhelmed sometimes to the point I just want to smash my head (and actually do sometimes) because the feelings I get are just too much and too frustrating... he generally doesn’t do this on purpose, and it’s generally when he had a ptsd episode himself. It can be difficult at times in our relationship especially because he doesn’t recognize my own personal struggles or that is how it feels at least. So I feel misunderstood which sucks in general... this is to extend on the “what I wish people understood” — stimming is something I do when I’m really happy or really overwhelmed with an emotion that I literally can’t stand it so I kinda shake my hands and scrunch my face together and rub my hands together... which I’m afraid makes me look “weird” ... so I try not to do it but it truly is something I prefer to be able to do and I wish there were more resources so I could maybe get an actual diagnosis, but I have stigma against doctors and professionals because my personal experience with them has been less than good. Every time I have gone to a doctor or mental health professional or psychiatrist, etc... I go in with an open mind but I always end up knowing more about things and seeing connections that they don’t see, so I feel discouraged about seeking any type of help like that. I do wish I could find somebody compatible with me intellectually and emotionally that would suit and be helpful but I think it’s next to impossible...

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