Monday, November 25, 2019


Moscow, Russia

I prefer to call myself Saturn Febralski. Very few people know my real name. I was born in year 2002, on Tuesday while it was raining. This is a weather anomaly.

In childhood, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I guess people could tell I was different. Plus, I never introduced myself as a boy or a girl – I used to tell people that there’s a big colony of ants in my head, with different roles and such, and therefore, I really can’t decide what gender I am. I had a big imaginary world and I still do. A lot changed in it but it’s still there. I got diagnosed at the age of eight. The first question the therapist asked me was, “Why don’t you like this world?” and I answered, “because it’s boring.”

My mom immediately told me about my diagnosis as she walked out of the cabinet. On the next few weeks she did a ton of research about autism, and I’m very grateful for this. I was taking medicine and getting therapy, and because of that, I became “normal-looking.” There is no such official diagnosis as Asperger’s in Russia, and I couldn’t get official status of disabled person. As such, I had to adapt. People still didn’t like me, but soon, I began to understand why. I was always overdramatic, without really meaning to be, and this shocks people. If my mom was yelling at me and I suddenly started crying and blaming myself, she stopped. This became a bad habit which I sometimes struggle to control.

I barely remember being thirteen, things got much worse at that time. Teens were cruel and I was a scapegoat. I can’t really blame them for it. “Autist” for them was rather a curse word than a medical term. I wasn’t a nice person, either, with my lack of compassion. There was a lot of attempts to find myself in life. I was a musician, an artist, a writer, and now, I’m a biology student in university. People who become close to me say I’m an awesome person, and I think that it’s my biggest accomplishment so far.

My dream for the last few years was to have a voice. I want people to hear me. I want them to become engaged by my ideas and my imaginary world. I know that sounds egotistical. But, after considering all everything bad people say about Greta Thunberg, I became quite pessimistic.

I really wish that people could stop separating themselves into different groups. Cultural ones, political ones or even ones defined by their gender. This may unite people within this group but makes them distant from anyone else. It makes me sick to hear people bashing each other. Russians blaming Americans, men hating women, Christians separating from atheists… I understand that unity is not possible, but I keep dreaming about it. I escape in my imaginary utopia world because of this.

No comments:

Post a Comment